Not Ready To Love

I know, I haven't updated lately. It's been rough and I've been having a bad time lately and I haven't really wanted to write about it.

I just feel like a hideous horrible unworthy person.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just don't think I"m a good person. I don't feel like a good mom. I don't feel like a good wife.

The truth is I have to deal with these feelings but every time I start to I just push it aside.

I just wish I knew how to be less angry all the time.

Ever feel you're on the edge of a cliff and the way to save yourself is just right there out of your reach...just outside the reach of your fingertips.

That's how I feel.

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Training to be a better person

I can't believe how relaxed I have been since I've changed my activities to match my priorities. Seems like a simple enough concept. Why did it take me so long to figure this out?

I've restarted my training and so far since last Friday I've been five times, woohoo! I did spar on Saturday and got my ass kicked, and that's putting it mildly. I was supposed to spar on Sunday also, but just couldn't do it. I hurt beyond belief....both physically and mentally. I'm going to try again this Sunday.

God help me.

Speaking of God. I found a prayer journal that belonged to my mom. It's one of those daily journals. Apparently she only got to January 1st :). Like mother like daughter. Perhaps I'll pick up where she left off. Hopefully I'll get farther than one day.

Other than that, not a lot else going on. There is something big happening at work but I can't go into it here. Maybe after it all gets resolved.